The Question Is....

Life requires us to do certain things to maintain our existence.  Like breathing.  Ok, that’s kind of obvious.  But there are other things we have to do that may not be life saving, but are equally important to our existence.  I’m thinking of the things that our evolutionary brothers and sisters never had to deal with.  Like installing a fan in the living room.  Or digging a trench for irrigation pipes so the roses don’t wilt.  Stuff like that.  We all have to do them at some point in our lives.  They aren’t essential to our existence, like air or water, but they sure do a lot for marital harmony.  And sometimes, that is as important as calories and hydration.

But while marital harmony is pretty important, I’ll have to admit, I have other priorities in mind when I undertake home improvement projects.

When faced with a household chore, invariably I size up the work required, assess the amount of “urghs” I have to exert, and ask myself:  Is this going to be good for my golf game?  Or, will the task cause pain and suffering such that I might not be able to execute a perfect 7 iron over the lake and on to a well bunkered green?  I mean really, what else is there to know about removing wallpaper or installing dry wall?  Over the years I’ve found this to be a thoughtful gatekeeper for whether I should do the project, or whether I should hire someone and save my putting stroke. 

Like the time I removed a cement pond from our backyard.  This was no easy task, believe me.  You see this job required a couple of hundred swings of a sledgehammer to break up the cement.  I then had to load the cement into a wheelbarrow and haul it out to the street and put it in a dumpster.  The way I looked at it, the swinging of the heavy sledgehammer would add yards to my drives, and the lifting, loading and pushing of the wheelbarrow would strengthen my lower body to give me more power from my legs.  Once I sized up the job on those terms, away I went, happily delivering mighty blows to the stubborn concrete.  Oh, it was hard work, don’t get me wrong.  And many times throughout the hot afternoon I doubted whether I made the right decision.  But in the end, this project was good for my golf game, so I finished it with alacrity.

Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid knew all about this.  He taught his pupil the right question to ask -- would all that painting and waxing help The Karate Kid kick ass at the karate tournament?  Paint the fence?  After that job, Daniel-sen could whack some rich kid with a well-timed shot to the jaw.   Wax on, wax off?  Daniel-sen was now prepared to defend against a powerful punch, frustrating his wealthy opponent.  The Karate Kid never would have survived if he hadn't asked the right question, “Is this going to be good for me when I have to deliver the one legged flaming dragon kick?”  And, of course, the answer was a resounding “YES”!  And Daniel-sen stuck his heal right into the face of the bully from the other side of the tracks, forever sealing his reputation at Reseda High School as a mal-culo not to be messed with. 

And what did the rich kids have to offer?   Sweep the leg.   Where did that come from, kicking little Fi-Fi across the room?   The rich kids clearly didn’t know what Mr. Miyagi and I know.

Now, I’ll admit, I’ve had my share of “Tin Cup” moments when sizing up a home improvement project.  Like the time I cleaned the rain gutters on my two-story house.  Since a ladder couldn’t reach the gutters, I had to sit on the angled roof and carefully, very carefully lean over and scoop the leaves out of the gutter.  After a couple of hours, I managed to strain my lower back and hips so bad I couldn’t swing a club for a month.  After that experience, that project became OB on the home improvement list. 

When it comes to home improvement projects, it doesn’t matter if you are contributing to the holy grail of home ownership, “sweat equity.”  Or, that you are keeping your husband or wife happy.  To hell with that crap!  Your one and only consideration is always how the project will affect your golf game.  Always.