Happy New Year, My Fellow Monkeys!

Finally a Chinese New Year that I can relate to -- the Year of the Monkey! We’ve had the Year of the Horse, the Dog, even Rats. Some of you can relate to that last one, but I don't see that in myself. Four legs, long snout with whiskers, and a twitching nose. And those paws wiping its mouth repeatedly. Rats must suffer from OCD. Maybe that's where that famous Jimmy Cagney line, "you dirty rat," came from – though I kind of doubt that. But 2016 is the Year of the Monkey, something I can finally relate to.

If I'm going to get behind the Chinese tradition of associating the animal’s qualities to those desired by humans, then it better be something close to my body type, DNA and attitude. A rooster is my birth year animal. Just my luck, a hen-pecked, cock-a-doodle-doo-ing, claw-scratching avian that sees out of one side of its face at a time. No stereovision, just two eyes producing mono vision for a brain the size of a cat's-eye marble. Yup, that's my guy! I've been squawking and pecking my way through life, so maybe there is something to this Chinese zodiac thing.

But this year the Chinese zodiac celebrates a human-like creature with opposable thumbs and a furrowed brow, one that can walk upright for more than a few feet. Just like some of my relatives. "I'll be a monkey's Uncle,” one of my uncles used to say. He was closer to the truth than he knew.

The monkey is a well-known tree-swinger -- brachiating is the technical term. Swinging from limb to limb, living on the edge of catastrophic failure for millions of years. One slip of the palm sent many a poor ape to its premature arboreal grave. For monkey kids in training, a fall sent them to the back of the tree line in embarrassment, having fallen short in the eyes of his peers. "To the back of the e-ticket limb line, you chump chimp," said the other chimp children. Kids have been cruel for millions of years.

Tree-swinging was a big part of human evolution, as our evolutionary ancestors spent a few million years living above ground, swinging from branches on a regular basis. If you don't believe me, try this -- put your hand down on a table, palm side up, and relaxed. Notice how your four fingers curl up, as if pre-set to wrap around an object. Like a tree limb perhaps. Millions of years spent traveling Tarzan-like through the rainforest produced shortened tendons in the hands of Homo sapiens -- that would by you -- thus causing the natural curling of your fingers in 2016. Like it or not, we are simply primates who found our way from the trees to the ground, walking upright grasping sticks and tools – and brief cases – to defeat nature.

And now we get to celebrate our primateness, thanks to the Chinese New Year honoring 2016 as the Year of the Monkey. Chinese celebrants around the world will delight us with their dragon outfits, firecrackers, and red envelopes filled with cash, while wishing us "Gung Hay Fat Choy,” which translates to “wishing you to be prosperous in the New Year.” I can get behind that, even if I am a rooster.

Happy New Year, my fellow monkeys!

The Question Is....

Life requires us to do certain things to maintain our existence.  Like breathing.  Ok, that’s kind of obvious.  But there are other things we have to do that may not be life saving, but are equally important to our existence.  I’m thinking of the things that our evolutionary brothers and sisters never had to deal with.  Like installing a fan in the living room.  Or digging a trench for irrigation pipes so the roses don’t wilt.  Stuff like that.  We all have to do them at some point in our lives.  They aren’t essential to our existence, like air or water, but they sure do a lot for marital harmony.  And sometimes, that is as important as calories and hydration.

But while marital harmony is pretty important, I’ll have to admit, I have other priorities in mind when I undertake home improvement projects.

When faced with a household chore, invariably I size up the work required, assess the amount of “urghs” I have to exert, and ask myself:  Is this going to be good for my golf game?  Or, will the task cause pain and suffering such that I might not be able to execute a perfect 7 iron over the lake and on to a well bunkered green?  I mean really, what else is there to know about removing wallpaper or installing dry wall?  Over the years I’ve found this to be a thoughtful gatekeeper for whether I should do the project, or whether I should hire someone and save my putting stroke. 

Like the time I removed a cement pond from our backyard.  This was no easy task, believe me.  You see this job required a couple of hundred swings of a sledgehammer to break up the cement.  I then had to load the cement into a wheelbarrow and haul it out to the street and put it in a dumpster.  The way I looked at it, the swinging of the heavy sledgehammer would add yards to my drives, and the lifting, loading and pushing of the wheelbarrow would strengthen my lower body to give me more power from my legs.  Once I sized up the job on those terms, away I went, happily delivering mighty blows to the stubborn concrete.  Oh, it was hard work, don’t get me wrong.  And many times throughout the hot afternoon I doubted whether I made the right decision.  But in the end, this project was good for my golf game, so I finished it with alacrity.

Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid knew all about this.  He taught his pupil the right question to ask -- would all that painting and waxing help The Karate Kid kick ass at the karate tournament?  Paint the fence?  After that job, Daniel-sen could whack some rich kid with a well-timed shot to the jaw.   Wax on, wax off?  Daniel-sen was now prepared to defend against a powerful punch, frustrating his wealthy opponent.  The Karate Kid never would have survived if he hadn't asked the right question, “Is this going to be good for me when I have to deliver the one legged flaming dragon kick?”  And, of course, the answer was a resounding “YES”!  And Daniel-sen stuck his heal right into the face of the bully from the other side of the tracks, forever sealing his reputation at Reseda High School as a mal-culo not to be messed with. 

And what did the rich kids have to offer?   Sweep the leg.   Where did that come from, kicking little Fi-Fi across the room?   The rich kids clearly didn’t know what Mr. Miyagi and I know.

Now, I’ll admit, I’ve had my share of “Tin Cup” moments when sizing up a home improvement project.  Like the time I cleaned the rain gutters on my two-story house.  Since a ladder couldn’t reach the gutters, I had to sit on the angled roof and carefully, very carefully lean over and scoop the leaves out of the gutter.  After a couple of hours, I managed to strain my lower back and hips so bad I couldn’t swing a club for a month.  After that experience, that project became OB on the home improvement list. 

When it comes to home improvement projects, it doesn’t matter if you are contributing to the holy grail of home ownership, “sweat equity.”  Or, that you are keeping your husband or wife happy.  To hell with that crap!  Your one and only consideration is always how the project will affect your golf game.  Always.

Golf's Greatest Pleasure

Over the 4th of July weekend, I had the honor of playing a round of golf with my good friend Dennis Hicks.  We were up in Anchor Bay, just north of Gualala staying with another friend, enjoying the coast and the fresh air and the many variations of libations we concocted.  You have to know that Cuba Libres are the next big thing, what with the Castro brothers becoming friendly and whatnot.  Something about lime and Mexican Coca-Cola, and some rum in there somewhere, that makes the Cuba Libre quite tasty.  But that's not the point of this communication, so allow me to get back on track.

As many of you know, Dennis and I have been great friends for...let me do the math...40+ years.  We went to high school together, competed in sports together and against each other, and drank many, many beers over the years.  Dennis stood by me while I said my vows, and he has been a part of my life over the course of its many ups and downs. And so if you didn't know it, we are close, and have been for a long, long time.  

So what do we do when we get together?  Well, we frequently play golf, and that is what we found ourselves doing on the 4th of July at Sea Ranch Golf Course.  We teed off around 8:00 am, and we were mostly alone on the course.  Free ranging on the 4th of July, playing the game we love, and enjoying each other's company.  A perfect way to celebrate our nation's independence.  

As the day wore on it was apparent that one of us had his golf game in good shape, and the other one?  Well, let's say I had trouble finding the fairway about as often as I had trouble finding my ball.  Some days you have it, and some days you don't.  But, on the other hand, Dennis was playing a great round.  He was hitting the fairways, making good putts and in control of his game.  Almost the polar opposite of my day, but I kept trying my best to play well, which can be a fun day in and of itself.  NGU - Never Give Up -- and all that.  

But this was clearly Dennis' day, and he wound up shooting an 82, a great round on a pretty tough course, and one that we had never played before.  As for me, well my score of 97 wasn't very impressive, and not worthy of much discussion.  

So, why am I recounting this rather uneventful day of golf between two friends?  Well, there are many ways to go after a partner plays a great round of golf.  Some might be jealous and act like their friend's round was not that big a deal.  Another might say "only a sandbagger could play that kind of round."  But I'm not one for jealousy or bitterness over someone else's good play.  After all, it might be me having a good round, and then what should be the interaction?  

So after we completed our round, and we were having our customary Bloody Mary, I turned to Dennis and said, "You know, I didn't play very well today -- I had a very tired swing all day -- but I sure enjoyed watching you play today.  You played a great round of golf."  To which he said "thanks," and drew a long drink from the pint-sized glass of red liquid gold.  He knew I was sincere in my praise, and he also knew that the reverse round could happen at our next day on the links.  So it was a day to savor and remember.  Dennis a little more than me, but one to remember nonetheless.

I know Dennis felt good about my sincere comments, and so did I.   

There are a lot of interactions between friends on and off the golf course.  And I'm only recounting this story because I know there are some people that respond negatively when other's play better or get the best of them on the day's wagers.  "Sand bagger!"  "No way you play that well with that handicap," are frequent ways in which we bring someone down after they play a great round of golf.  But when a friend plays well, a friend should enjoy and appreciate it. 

Great rounds of golf happen to all of us, and so does bad play.  I accept both as the nature of the game, and try and embrace the good in both. It sure makes for a more enjoyable day on the course, and at the 19^th hole.

_ _ CK _ FF Abbreviated Vocabulary!

Cali, San Fran, J Lo, P Diddy? What the hell?  What’s with the abbreviations? Can't we just say the damn word? 

"Hey, congrats bro, happy b-day! How's San Fran? Is Cali cool, or what?”  Are we so lazy that we can't simply say "Congratulations?" Say that crap to me and you’re likely to get an abbreviated punch in the nose. 

Until his passing in 1997, the great Herb Caen shot down anyone that used "San Fran" instead of San Francisco.  If he were around today he would have a lot of shooting down to do as “San Fran” seems to have become the standard reference.  Watch any ESPN broadcast, and if they get around to saying something about the west coast, Ken or Barbie will invariably refer to our city as "San Fran" which drives me crazy.  There is no such place as San Fran. Never has been, never will be.  

Words, language, description, phrasing — all are under attack by the infiltration of social media.  It started with those pre-teens who created a new language in the confined space of their flip phones. Then Twitter came along and limited us to 140 characters. Otherwise little negative red numbers show up and cut you off.  

I know 140 characters, I’ve served with 140 characters, and you, Senator Twitter, are not one of them. 

Where does it end? Refrigeration made humans far more susceptible to food poisoning, changing the course of physical evolution. Will the impact of social media be another example of social evolution directing physical evolution? Will our brains recede like our hairlines? Flattened, barren wastelands where texture and meaning once flowed through our synapses like a lover's fingers through our once lustrous locks?

I say fuck off abbreviated vocabulary!  Take your San Fran, Cali and IDK, and stick it up your arse where the sun don't shine! 

Now doesn't that sound a lot better than SIUYAWTSDS? 

  

Note:  With thanks to my late, great friend Robert Cook, who frequently told me where to stick it in many different and creative ways. RIP bro.

Fox Sports Takes Over the US Open

For the first time Fox Sports will be broadcasting a major golf tournament, when they televise the US Open from Chambers Bay in the State of Washington next week.  We're used to Fox doing the Super Bowl, World Series, NASCAR and other major sporting events, but this is golf, and golf is different.  If I was the person running Fox Sports, I might have practiced at a few other golf tournaments before aiming my sights on the US Open for my inaugural broadcast. 

I hope Fox will provide us with a straight forward broadcast, without the cartoonish visuals.  Are we going to see some mechanical golfer come on and flex its muscles?  Or silly broadcasters like Terry Bradshaw, over caffeinated, blabbering nothing at top speed, describing a 34 foot putt.  My guess is Fox will attempt to respect the seriousness of the US Open, and play it down the middle.  But I'll bet they won't be able to help themselves, and they'll make the broadcast more about Fox Sports, and less about the competition on the course. 

No doubt they'll slip in some saccharine segment with Holly Sonders strutting her stuff while telling the story of some golfer that "overcame the overcome able to qualify for the Open."  Queue tears down Holly's blush red cheeks, pan the waving American flag, and a last shot of Grandpa watching little Bobby at the US Open from his rocking chair.  Fox Sports has trade marked this story line, and plays it to the hilt.       

In the broadcast booth will be Joe Buck, whom we are accustomed to calling balls and strikes during baseball games, along with Greg Norman. Norman has promised to "call it as he sees it," and isn't worried if he ruffles a few feathers.  I expect that will be the case with Norman, but if he overdoes it and tries to out "Johnny" Johnny Miller, he'll come across as disingenuous, and simply trying to be controversial. Norman isn't the warmest of personalities, and to me, takes a "I'm rich, successful and Greg Norman, and you're not, so I can say anything I want" approach to his commentary.  We'll see how much he grates everyone by the social media comments throughout the course of the tournament.  

Also in the broadcasting booth will be Julie Inkster and Brad Faxon, so they've selected some experienced and knowledgeable pro golfers for a player's perspective.  That should help a bit.

As for Joe Buck, well, there has been more written about him than he actually deserves.  His baseball broadcasting is sometimes brilliant, often cringe worthy and always biased in favor of the St. Louis Cardinals.  

And now we have to hear his voice over the last putt at the US Open.  If it's a must make putt to win, how do you suppose he'll handle it?  Will he talk over the putt, or will he let the moment inform the viewer?  This is part of the intrigue of the US Open this year, as we're not just wondering if Phil will win his first US Open, or will Rory clean the field.  All are interesting story lines.  But this year, the television broadcast itself will be part of the story line.  I can't wait to see how it all unfolds. 

It takes years of experience to successfully pull off a golf broadcast, to know how to frame and present on course drama, while feeding the viewer the right amount of emotion to draw us into the round. NBC, CBS and ABC all have considerable experience, and serve a public good with their ability to tell the story without being the story.  But it's never about the game only with Fox Sports, it's about them, and how they deliver the story and add their personality to the show.  Fox Sports approaches other major sports broadcasts like they are part of the story, so I don't expect them to handle the US Open any differently. 

Just for the fun of it, what do you suppose the over/under will be for live shots from Afghanistan of members of the military holding a golf club, while saying hello to their mother?  Six, seven, more?  You can count on a shot from Afghanistan, with Joe Buck, voice tone correct, reminding us of the sacrifice our military makes for us.   Just as sure as Phil Michelson placing 2nd again this year.  

Depressed yet?  Well, Fox Sports signed a multi-year deal with the USGA, so we're stuck with them, probably for the rest of our lives.  Sigh.

Daylight Savings Time: A Golfer's Lament

Finally we come to the best weekend of the year.  The weekend when we "Spring forward" and set our clocks one hour ahead, thus increasing our time to play golf.  Why isn't that the norm?  Why can't we have an extra hour of daylight year round?  You know this isn't about running over Iowa farm kids waiting for a school bus in the deep, dark winter.  No, this is about our government controlling the amount of time we have to play golf.

It was President Woodrow Wilson that forced Daylight Savings time on the American people in 1918 in order to save energy and support the war effort -- something called World War I -- you may have heard of it.  But that wasn't the real reason for Wilson's move to Daylight Savings.

Wilson's decision was really about preventing golfers from playing too much, which limited the amount of ammunition, helmets and bayonets they could make.  It seems that people were enjoying playing golf too much, so Wilson instituted mandatory early darkness on the citizenry, forcing golfers back into the factories to make more munitions and less birdies.  So we were victorious in World War I, but in the process we lost the real war -- the war on golf.  And the war continues to this day.

The government still forces clocks backward in November, making us spend more time indoors being good husbands, wives and fathers and mothers during the winter holiday season, instead of playing golf.  The winter is when real golfers make their commitment known by playing through rain, cold, fog, sleet and even snow.  But without that extra hour we're doomed to remain indoors stoking the fire, removing excess moisture from obese turkeys, and pretending mistletoe means something.

Good grief, what a life.

Fox News annually beats the drum about the "War on Christmas," so maybe the Golf Channel will pick up on the "War on Golf," when the government forces darkness upon us in November, then provides a wee bit of daylight for dedicated golfers to hit a few more shots into the Summer evenings.

This weekend let's enjoy an extra hour of golf, and thank the government for its generosity.

Thank you Big Government, may I have another hour, please?

2014 NFC Championship Game

Cultural anthropologists have observed humans who worship physical objects, who ascribe special significance to the physical world.  The scientific term is Animism, or the worldview that non-human entities, including animals, plants, and often even inanimate objects or phenomena, possess a spiritual essence, resulting in humans falling in love with or assigning power to said objects.  In the extreme there are these examples of people falling in love with various objects, even attempting to marry said objects.  And, sadly, in the world of NFL playoffs, there may be some fans to our north who ascribe special powers to their football stadium, much like the people in that video.

When I watch a Seattle Seahawks home game, I can’t help but think that the team’s fans are exhibiting signs of animism, with their football stadium the object of their affection.  When Seahawks fans enter their stadium they longingly yell and scream their affections; and the football stadium, because of its unique physical configuration, responds with an echoing sound of “woooo” and “yeeeee haaaa.”  This sends the fans into ecstasy, and they become engorged with excitement, and moan at their true love “ahhhhh” and “defense, defense.”  I’m not sure why “defense, defense” is a term of affection, but apparently it has special meaning for the Seahawks fans and their inanimate loved one.  

The Seahawk fans stand erect the entire game, holding up signs proclaiming they are the “12^th Man,” possibly indicating there are 11 other men in love with the stadium.  But the fans don’t appear to be upset about the 11 men ahead of them, so jealousy does not seem to be a motivator.  After several hours of verbal ejaculation, the fans turn flaccid, and sometimes prematurely withdraw from the bowels of their loved stadium, leaving her out in the cold rain and snow of Seattle, like a salmon tossed to the curb at the Pike Place Market.

And so the Seahawks fans, and their beloved CenturyLink Stadium will attempt to assert their 12^th Manly influence on the game Sunday, howling and yelling and screaming until they become catatonic.  And that will be a good thing for the their mental health, as the Seahawks fans will need to be catatonic to absorb the outcome of Sunday’s game with the 49ers. 

The Seahawks are an outstanding team from top to bottom.  Their coaching staff – first rate.  Their QB – first rate.  Their defensive backs – first rate.  Their running attack – first rate.  And with a 16-1 home record the last two years it would appear that it is nearly impossible to beat them in Seattle.  But no team in the NFL is invincible, even a first rate team like the Seahawks.  At this point in the season all four teams are outstanding, but the most important quality of teams that win at this point in the season is whether it is playing its best or less than its best.  And, unfortunately for the Seahawks they are not playing at their best right now, especially at the most important position on the field.     Let’s take a look at their quarterback Russell Wilson’s record for the last five games (source:  ESPN.com).

Russell Wilson's Season

	First 12 Games	Past 5 Games
Cmp. Pct.	64.9	56.7
Yds. Per Att.	8.8	6.6
TD-Int.	22-6	4-3
Total QB Rating	67.5	30.4

Playing a game to reach the Super Bowl is not the time to be playing your worst football, but that appears to be the case for Wilson.  I’m a big fan of Wilson, but this 5 game trend is bad for the Seahawks.  I’m pretty sure Wilson knows about the above statistics. 

And there is one more thing he knows -- the 49ers defense is playing their best football of the season, and they are far superior to the defense of the Saints, a team that Wilson could only throw for a measly 103 yards last week.  Wilson is talented and his team’s offensive scheme is one of the best in the league.  But Wilson has never been where he will be on Sunday, and it will show in his performance.  The 49ers defense is a veteran playoff team facing a playoff newbie who is not playing very well right now.  The 49ers defense won’t need 12 men on Sunday, but the Seahawk’s offense might.

While 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick has been to the Super Bowl and won a conference championship, I’m concerned about him on Sunday too.  Kaepernick has a major flaw, and at CenturyLink field in Seattle, it lifts its ugly head quite high.  Kaepernick runs an offense that requires him to make a lot of adjustments at the line of scrimmage, which requires clear communication with his line, running backs and receivers.  In a stadium full of fans in full animism it has been difficult for him to effectively communicate to his players at the line of scrimmage, resulting in delay of game penalties and unnecessary timeouts.  We’ve seen this in his last two games in Seattle, and if the 49ers don’t address this and come up with another method of running plays, it is doubtful that Kaepernick will have a championship level game on Sunday.

My recommendation to the Kaepernick and the 49ers:  Call the Play, Run the Play.  If the defense is showing something you didn’t expect:  Call the Play, Run the Play.  If the defense is lining up against the run and you have a run play called, but a pass play would be better:  Call the Play, Run the Play.  

The Seattle defense is tough, and if the 49ers are repeatedly penalized for delay of game and have to face 1^st and 15 or 3^rd and 10 all day, it won’t be a good outcome for the 49ers.  If they get to the end of the game and don’t have any timeouts because they used them earlier to avoid delay of game penalties, they will regret it.  This will likely be a close game, possibly decided by a late field goal.  Teams that need a late field goal to win a game but don’t have any timeouts often lose the game because they can’t get their place kicker on the field to kick the ball through the uprights.  This could happen to the 49ers if Kaepernick doesn’t address this issue.  Call the Play, Run the Play – CP, RP.

I love the rivalry of Jim Harbaugh and Pete Carroll, but they don’t play the game on the field.  And the secondary of the Seahawks are amazing talkers, and they can even cover receivers.  But the quarterback that plays the best game will escort their team to the Super Bowl.  And right now, the quarterback that is playing the best is Colin Kaepernick.  He played a great game in frozen Green Bay, and out Super-manned the number one quarterback in all of North Carolina.  And if he can “CP, RP” he will lead his team back to the Super Bowl. 

I just hope the Seahawks fan’s animism won’t turn into animus, or the jails of Seattle will be quite full on Sunday night. 

San Francisco 49ers:                24

Seattle Seahawks:                   23

2014 AFC Championship Game

While Television Sportscaster Heads are swooning 24/7 over the Tom Brady/Payton Manning matchup, my response is “so what.”  And then I yawn.  And then I think about the price of milk in China.  And then I think about the stupidity of Chris Christie.  And then I wonder about why Levi’s puts that little pocket next to the big pocket on my blue jeans.  What can you put in that pocket besides lint?  Levi’s should give that pocket up for lent. 

The point is this game is meaningless because the goal of playing it is to get to the Super Bowl and win the NFL championship.  And while one of these teams will get to the Super Bowl, neither team will win the Super Bowl.  Either the Seahawks or the 49ers will win the Super Bowl, barring injury or a player pulling a Stanley Wilson before the big game.

All of the heroics of Manning and Brady are well behind them.  Brady hasn’t won a Super Bowl game since 2005.  And Manning is 1-1 in Super Bowls with his only win back in 2007.  Sure, sure, Brady and Manning had great seasons.   But their Super Bowl victories are so far in the past you can’t do a Google search about them because Google didn’t even exist for most of their playing careers.

While the Broncos have home field advantage, and Manning has broken several passing records this year, I don’t have much faith that their defense can keep the Patriots from scoring a lot of points.  And with the loss of cornerback Chris Harris, the Broncos will have a tough time keeping Tom Brady from marching up and down the field.  In last week’s playoff game the Broncos had a 17-0 lead against the Chargers, but after Harris went out with a knee injury, Philip Rivers’ passing attack came alive and San Diego came back to make the game close.  Denver’s defense has too many holes to contain the Patriots, and I expect this to be a high scoring game for the Pats.

In their playoff game against the Colts, the Patriots actually ran for more yards than Brady had passing.  This unusual occurrence will give the Broncos fits.  It is one thing to prepare for Brady, but it is another thing to also have to prepare for a strong running attack.  Brady only, maybe.  But Brady and a running game?   Well, it looks to me like the Broncos defensive coordinator Jack Del Rio will continue to have problems beating Tom Brady and the Patriots.  In fact, Del Reo led defenses are 0-7 against Brady.  And Brady tends to have a field day against Del Rio’s teams, completing 73% of his passes, throwing for over 1,770 yards, 17 touchdowns and no interceptions, for a quarterback rating of 121.1 against his defenses.

If Del Rio in Spanish means “of the river,” Brady must mean “I’ll pass at will on Del Rio’s defenses.” 

This will likely be a high scoring affair, and the Brady/Manning match up will be “one for the ages,” literally.  But, like the Grateful Dead’s Jerry Garcia sings on Morning Dew, it really doesn’t matter anyway.  Nether team can win the Super Bowl, so this is a pointless contest played for the purpose of selling a lot of Toyotas, Coors Light, Viagra and Bacon Bits, but it will not produce the next champion of the National Football League.  I think the Yawns win this one by two touchdowns.

New England Patriots:            35

Denver Broncos:                     32

Yawns:                                    49