Call Me Edward Cullen

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My last post discussed efforts by the Republican members of Congress to take credit for stimulus money flowing to their districts, after voting against the bill last year. Check out this article from Bloomberg, on the numerous Republican members of Congress that simultaneously voted against the bill while actively pursuing money and taking credit for bringing vital projects to their districts: Bloomberg News Article

This is more than an issue of hypocrisy. This is an issue of leadership and trust, and whether the public good is well served by representatives willing to say anything to achieve political gain. The Republican Party believes that we, the public won't notice the difference. I think we will.

What if I told you I was 6-foot, 2-inches tall and looked like Robert Pattinson, the actor with the tussled locks who played teen vampire "Edward Cullen" in the Twilight movies? I suppose you would have no reason not to believe me. Why couldn't I be? It's possible. But what if we met and you discovered I'm actually only 5'-8" and 52 years old, with less hair than Alan Cranston (come on, you remember him)? You would immediately question my credibility, not to mention my sanity. I wanted you to see me one way, but an objective view of reality turned out to be quite different. Made me look like a fool, wouldn't you agree?

It gets better. Suppose that after our meeting I held a press conference to insist that I really am six-foot-two, despite what you think you saw. Oh, and and not only that, but I'm changing my name to "Edward Cullen." Then what would you think of me? Delusional? Psychotic? Irrational? Call me anything, but please call me Edward Cullen.

The Republican Party is acting just as delusional. "We're conservative defenders of the American Way" says the Republican Robert Pattinson as he votes against the stimulus bill. Meanwhile, Edward Cullen is standing with an oversized check along with 25 local voters touting the new jobs that are coming to the district. All a result of the bill Robert Pattinson vetoed! What a beautiful arrangement.

It's enough to make my ["True"] blood boil!

A question for Twihards: Is it just me or does it look like it's been a while since Mitch McConnell last fed? On the other hand John Boehner looks like he fed too long on the blood of an orange-faced mandrill.

Such is the life of a vampire, I suppose. Everything about him draws us in. His face, his voice... even his smell. If only what they were putting out didn't stink so bad.

"Hey, ASSINO... Put Down That Check!"

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To stimulus or not to stimulus, that was the question facing Congress a year ago. Every Republican member of Congress answered the question with a resounding "no" vote on the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA) last February. Agree or disagree with the Republicans, at least they were clear about their position on the bill. And that I respect.

A politician should be resolute and take a strong stance for their convictions, even if it is unpopular or counter to their own political interests. Like the eight senators that John F. Kennedy wrote about in "Profiles in Courage," the Republican members of Congress voted their conscience, even when most Americans supported the bill. The leader of the House Republicans, John Boehner (R) Ohio, even called the economic stimulus bill a "socialist program" and pronounced it a failure before even one dollar had been spent. Good for him. Like a good umpire, Boehner called the play as he saw it. I didn't agree with their position on the stimulus bill, but I appreciated the Republican Party members for taking a position and standing their ground.

Or did they?

Were the stalwarts of conservatism the fiscal disciplinarians they claim to be? Did they exhibit "Profiles in Courage?" Or, did they forget what their vote stood for and dip their buckets in the so-called "socialist" well? Let's examine the issue a little closer and find out just what happened with our Republican friends who voted their conscience on ARRA.

It turns out that many Republican congressmen and women (111 at last count) that vehemently opposed the stimulus bill have been taking credit for the stimulus money pouring into their districts. What? You don't believe me? Take a look at this article from "Think Progress" for details of their hypocrisy.

My favorite from the article has to be Senator Kit Bond of Missouri, who makes no sense when he praises a "type of emergency stimulus spending" he didn't vote for.

In a press release, Senator Kit Bond (R-MO) announced, “This is the type of emergency stimulus spending we should be supporting – programs that will create jobs now and help families.”

-Senator Bond Voted Against The Recovery Package Twice [Record Vote 59; Record Vote 60]

-Senator Bond Blasted The Recovery Package, Stating, “Unfortunately, This Bill Stimulates The Debt, It Stimulates The Growth Of Government, But It Doesn’t Stimulate Jobs.” [Forbes, 2/9/09]

Huh?

What would cause an experienced politician to publicly damn a spending bill and then publicly take credit for the same spending bill? I'm sure it will surprise you that I have the answer!

It turns out that the stalwarts of conservatism were actually "Anti-Stimulus Spenders in Name Only," or "ASSINO's." (pronounced "ASS I NO")

Are you for the stimulus bill or are you against it? You can't hold both positions at the same time. Unless you are an "ASSINO."

Do you think ARRA was wasteful government spending or proper use of government spending during a recession? An "ASSINO" adheres to both sides of that philisophical debate.

How do you take credit for that which you despise? Be an "ASSINO," of course.

How do you spend money from a program that you deem a failure? Ask an "ASSINO" Republican for the answer to that one.

How do you take the position that the stimulus bill is a socialist disaster, then take credit for delivering money to your district from the bill that you called a socialist disaster? Ask the Head "ASSINO" John Boehner and he'll tell you.

I've lived a few years now, but I've never seen such blatant hypocrisy by politicians in my life. It is one thing to oppose a spending bill on your own political beliefs or values. Fine, take a stand, have a political backbone. But to attack the spending bill as "socialist," and then turn around and take credit for the stimulus spending in your district is a new low, even for American politicians.

Last night I had a dream that I was at a ribbon cutting ceremony for a new stretch of highway through John Boehner's district. Rep. Boehner was standing there with an oversized check in his hand, and making comments about bringing new jobs and economic vitality to his constituents. The money to pay for the new highway came from the stimulus bill that he voted against. Frustrated by what I was witnessing, I yelled out "Hey ASSINO, put down that check!"

Looking startled, Rep. Boehner turned in my direction. When he saw it was me he winked, then gave me a knowing smile -- out of both sides of his mouth.

Hooray for Hollywood!

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It's award season for the celebrity crowd, that time of year when Hollywood holds their version of a Pee Wee league team banquet and awards everyone a trophy. "Here's your trophy Little Bradley Pitt," says the coach, while Big Daddy Pitt snaps his Polaroid from the bleachers for the family album. Little Bradley Pitt walks to the podium and thanks his mom and dad for his good looks, and his bat boy for picking up his bat after every smash hit. Between tears and sobs, he thanks his girlfriend Little Angie for all her support. What a proud moment for that Little Bradley Pitt!

Everyone's favorite is the People's Choice Awards, Hollywood's tip of the hat to egalitarianism. "Let the people decide" say the Hollywood top shelf from behind the security of the red velvet ropes. And now the granddaddy of them all, The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has doubled the Best Picture nominations from 5 to 10. Not only are the award shows multiplying, but the awards on the award shows are multiplying. That must be what the Republicans mean when they talk about "liberal Hollywood."

It used to be they gave out a few Oscars and everyone headed to the desert for a little R&R. A statue in one hand, a statuesque in the other, the glamorous ones raced to Palm Springs in their little red convertibles, top down, wind scaring their cashmere scarves straight. Not to be heard from again until the summer blockbuster season or the unlucky car crash in the desert night.

Today's celebrities will have none of that. When not attending award shows, they're working 24/7 to save the world from hunger, disease and underage shoe making. They actually need a multitude of award shows so they can sit still for a few hours and rest. But the cameras will catch the stars squirming in their seats on Oscar night - they're anxious to get back out there and save the world. "Go, Little Bradley Pitt, go! Save the people, save the world, save the little shoemakers!" shout the masses from the balcony. Little Bradley Pitt smiles and nods as he awaits his turn at the podium.

A Letter from Mary

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Hi Mrs. Tebow,

I saw your tv commercial and I hope you can help me. My name is Mary and I'm 14. My step father raped me again last week. I think I'm pregnant. The first time he did it he choked me when I tried to stop him. When he gets drunk I know he'll be in my room that night, smelling like beer and chewing tobacco. All I want to do is die. I need help. You seem like a nice person and you said you loved your baby. Your son sure is proud of you. I'll never be anything and I don't want to be pregnant. What should I do?

People say your commercial was about choosing to have your baby. You and your husband must have been scared about having a baby. What did you do? Did you have a lot of doctors to help you? There is only one doctor in town so I can't go to him.

I feel sick 'cause I don't want a baby, especially my step dad's. He says he likes me and that's why he does it, but it is wrong and he won't stop. He said he would kill me and my sister if I told anyone. I haven't had my period for 2 times now. My mom is too drunk to care. Can you help me?

I can't have a baby, not now. Not ever. Can your Family Focus council help me get an abortion? When my mom finds out she'll think it was my boyfriend that got me pregnant. She'll never believe me. I'll be in big trouble and probably get beat up by her and my step dad. Maybe that will make me lose the baby. Maybe he will kill me and then it will be over.

I wish I could leave and never come back but I have to protect my little sister. The game will be over soon and my step dad will be knocking on my door. Please help me Mrs. Tebow. You seem like a nice person.

Mary


Blogger's Note: Mary is a fictional girl from the Central Valley of California.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

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Now that I've insulted the majority of my six followers with my remarks about the motives of the Tea Party, I'd like to take a moment and tell you what I'm going to write about in my blog. I know, I know. That should have been the topic of my first column, but Sarah Palin and the Tea Baggers were just too juicy to pass up.

To give you some context I need to tell you a little about myself and my personal influences. While all of you know me, some know more about me than others, but none of you know all there is to know about me. So please indulge me while I tell you about one part of my life that none of you know about. How's that for an introduction?

I grew up in the small Central Valley town of Newman, about as far from anything you might consider cosmopolitan or current. In the mid-1960's Newman had a population of about 2,000 people (we outnumbered the Tea Party convention, but there wasn't a $500 fee required to live in Newman), a typical rural community kept alive by dairy farms and agriculture. The world of Newman was the Main Street coffee shop, high school sports, church, and not much else. The outside world was not of much concern to the people of Newman, but it was a great place to raise your family and live the simple life.

We were a typical middle class family, with two loving parents working hard to support a family of five. We didn't have much, but then we didn't know we didn't have much, so we thought we had all we needed.

One thing we did have growing up was the San Francisco Chronicle delivered to our house each morning. This was a small luxury that my mom afforded herself and she read the newspaper front page to back page every morning. My mom spent some of her teen years living in Berkeley where she learned to love the Chronicle and its many feature columnists, so she maintained a daily subscription all her life.

I fondly recall sitting at our kitchen table with her and exploring the outside world through the words of the Chronicle's unique columnists. Herb Caen told the story of The City everyday; Charles McCabe tackled everything from politics to hangovers; Art Hoppe skewered all with his sharp, acerbic style; and Stanton Delaplane wrote whimsically about life from his Telegraph Hill apartment. My mom and I shared the newspaper before I went to school, and I read those columns almost daily.

Through the portal provided by Caen, McCabe, Hoppe, and Delaplane, I witnessed another world far different from my life in Newman. But most importantly, reading those columns has given me lifelong memories of those mornings with my mom -- she reading and reminiscing of times past; me reading and dreaming of a future beyond the streets of Newman. I can still hear her laughter from behind the pages of the newspaper, emanating through the waffs of her cigarette smoke as we sat at the kitchen table together.

I read the columns of Caen, McCabe, Hoppe, and Delaplane until the day each one stopped writing or died. I remember learning of the death of Charles McCabe on May 1, 1983 and feeling a deep loss, as if a favorite uncle had passed away. I have a book of his columns that I still read from time to time.

So now you know something about me that you didn't know before. And now you know what I want to do with this blog - live out my fantasy of being a topical columnist like my heroes from the SF Chronicle of old. Now I don't believe for a second that I'm in the league of those titans of the Chronicle (I love stating the obvious!), but if you'll take the time to read my blog, I'll do my best to provide you with a blog worthy of your time.

I hope that I'll get your comments about the content of my blog, but I also welcome your comments about the writing, format, prose, etc. Your constructive criticism is welcome!

Thanks for reading this far down the page. I hope you finish here often.

First Time Out

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Are you ready for the Sarah Palin show at the Tea Party convention tonight? I will watch with interest, as this is a fascinating slice of political life in America. Here we have a group of patriotic Americans that sat on their hands during the entire Bush administration, now erupting with outrage at the goings on in their government. After the Patriot Act, after the coverup and marketing of the Pat Tillman killing, after the marketing of the capture and rescue of Jessica Lynch, after VP Dick Cheney told the American people that Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11, after the incompetence of the response to Katrina....shall I go on....okay, after record deficits, after record spending, after nominating Harriet Meirs to the Supreme Court, after a near collapse of the economy, after a three page response by the Treasury Secretary to the near collapse of the economy....shall I go on? Okay, after Alberto Gonzalez...okay, okay I give up....Let me get to the point. After all of these failures and lies and incompetence, the Tea Party forms in April 2009 and a group of Americans decides they've had enough and want to take their government back. Where were they in 2005? 2006? 2007? 2008? Let me tell you where they were and why they stayed hidden until now.

The American people have always been a NIMBY type of society. Keep the problems on the other side of town and we'll be fine. Put the garbage dump over there, not here. As long as the train runs through the poor section of town, fine, but don't put those tracks within my earshot or there will be hell to pay. But when it comes to a MIMBY, or Minority In My Back Yard, it is a different story. In a MIMBY situation many Americans responded by selling everything and moving to the suburbs. Sadly, for others the response was to surround the new neighbor's house with pointy white hoods and torches and drive the problem out of the neighborhood.

So am I saying the The Tea Party is the equivalent of the KKK? No, I'm not. Tea Party members are smarter than that, so they would never admit to straight up racism and hatred and the obvious dismissal of their cause. But don't you find it interesting that the first time an African American moves into the "people's house," the neighbors surround it with white tea bags and threaten to "take our government back?" Or they claim that President Obama is a Socialist, Marxist, Hitler and baby killer? Why now? Why not two years ago?

So what do you make of the Tea Party?

If the Tea Party was about loss of confidence in government, budget deficits, tax policy, spending or health care it would have formed on April 15, 2007, when there was clear evidence that the economy was on a downward spiral and the government had no plan or response. Isn' t that the time to form a Tea Party and revolt against the government's inability to work effectively on behalf of the American people?

In my opinion this is an issue of race, and the inability for some Americans to accept an African American as the leader of our country. There is an African American in the neighborhood and it's time to revolt, with the excuse that somehow the government is no longer representing the people. All the other stuff is cover for a MIMBY attitude that has taken shape in the form of the Tea Party.

So the Tea Party will surround Sarah Palin tonight and worship her brand of political activism. And the pundits will question whether this is a serious political movement or a fad. My belief is we better get used to the Tea Party, and count on the MIMBY phenomenon to be active and vigorous for the next three years, at least.